9 March 2008 DoULoveJesus.org
I was raised with what is commonly called "easy
believism". This means that I was
taught that anyone that "just believed" in Christ, so long as they
were relatively moral was a Christian.
To be concerned about the salvation of someone that "just
believed" and was also moral by the standards of the world was considered
as being "judgmental".
Of course, a monogamous homosexual would be
considered "relatively moral" because, after all, God made him a
homosexual by hormonal imbalances and he would be moral compared to a
promiscuous homosexual. The promiscuous
homosexual would, of course, be relatively moral compared to a psychotic
killer- serial rapist. But then the
murdering rapist would have some kind of mental imbalance that precludes his
being accountable for his sins, and the harm he has done.
I was taught by example that there was no way to
confront sin in someone's life without committing the sin of "passing
judgment". It was not so much what
I was explicitly taught, but the tone of what I was taught was compounded by
the things I should have been taught, but were neglected. I was not taught that there is a loving way
of dealing with sin that is not "judgmental".
I was taught that Christians should "love"
the Lord in some emotional sense. But
the tone of what I was taught ignored the crucial consequences of that love
because love was more of a state of mind than a commitment to do what is right
regardless of the consequences. (As I
was being discipled to become a Christian I learned
that Christ went to the cross because His Love could not tolerate compromising
moral standards & that His death on the cross was a direct consequence of
His Love for us)
When I was 13 years old I decided in a hasty,
emotional manner that I wanted to be a Christian. I went through the motions that I was taught
were merely symbolic for becoming a Christian.
That is, I half-heartedly got myself dunked with the "understanding"
that it was merely an outward show of inward faith, or merely a public
testimonial. For the 17 years that
followed I was 'pretty sure' that I was saved.
Throughout that time, God was at work.
After 10 weeks of working the ideal job for me I
found myself fired. My pride was
demolished, which prepared my heart for the gospel of Jesus Christ. In late May of 1989 I was gently and lovingly
led to understand that I was not in Christ.
How many times before had I replied:
"yeah, I'm sure" when I had been asked "do you know that
you're saved?"? By his gentle
spirit I felt that I could be honest with myself for a change. This painful realization was like being
stabbed in the heart by a red hot spiritual
dagger. But, at least my prayer to
understand why I had to lose my job had been answered. "God is my co-pilot", or so I
thought. It was made clear to me that
the co-pilot's seat was empty and I had to get into it for God to be with
me. I made the clear choice that I would
take the time to make a REAL commitment.
I knew what the decision would be throughout the two (+) months that
followed. I held back for fear of just getting wet without being any more sure
of my salvation than I was before.
Can you imagine a state of conviction where you would
be envious of a pile of rotting flesh being eaten by maggots? During this time of agonizing soul searching
I was driving along and saw a small animal dead on the side of the road. That's right- road pizza. For a fleeting instant I pitied the puddle of
mutilated flesh. It then occurred to me
that if I were to die I would spend eternity being envious of the creature that
had gone off to oblivion. When I get
haughty (which is more often than I would care to admit) God reminds me of this
point in my life. When someone longs to
be merely worthless, you can be sure that person has been really convicted.
I was frustrated by my lack of faith. I knew that the time was not ripe. I saw myself as the rocky soil in the parable
of the sower.
How could I get rid of the rock that kept the seed of faith from taking
root? Thus, I prayed in anguish:
"Lord, what must I do?" I was
perplexed by the two word answer. So I
prayed: "What does that mean, I don't understand". I felt the answer come to me: "you've
gotten your answer, take it or leave it".
As I meditated on the answer, my puzzlement turned to anxiety. The two
words were a military order. The words: "Fix bayonets" don't merely
mean: "prepare for battle", they mean: "prepare for hand to hand
combat". I was frightened as my
notion of being a passive lump of clay in God's hands gave way to a personal
fight with my sinful nature in an inward spiritual battle.
My memory of the night that I committed to the
choice to be a Christian (2 August 1989) is so clear to me. I lay in bed frustrated by my slow progress
towards committing to Christ. I felt as
though I were in the grip of a large hand as I struggled to break free. My spirit cried out: "Lord, help me, I
can't break free!". It was as though the Lord said: "I've been waiting for you to say that
for a long time, and really mean it".
I sensed the presence of a hand unimaginably more powerful than the one
that held me. When I realized that these
two incredibly powerful being were going into conflict
over me I felt an anxiety like a small border town between two powerful nations
that had just declared war. God's hand
gripped Satan's hand at the wrist and He jammed His thumb into Satan's wrist
right about where Christ's hands were nailed to the cross. Thus, Satan had no choice but to release me
from his grip of doubt. I fell out of
Satan's hand and into God's hand as the Spiritual veil was lifted. My spirit sang out: "Jesus is LORD!". Yes, Jesus
was then my Lord, but my salvation was not yet complete. Just because I had received the right to
become a child of God did not mean that I had been born again. So I said: "I need to be baptized
tomorrow". A gentle, loving voice
said to me: "well, today, actually".
I turned my head to the clock which glowed a
red 12:10. I laughed and said: "OK,
I'll be baptized today", and went to sleep with surprising ease, in that I
felt like a kid on Christmas eve as I looked forward to the victory that I knew
lay ahead.
About twenty hours later I was led through a final
counting of the cost before I confessed Jesus Christ as the Son of God, Lord & Savior.
Before I was baptized Bob explained to me that Jesus was not into a
marriage of convenience, rather one of total commitment of faith based on
Love. I cherish those words because I've
found that when I've gone astray it was because I neglected the insight he had
given me. I was lowered into the water
as a slave to sin. This servant was
raised out of the water as a born again child of God. Then I asked myself: "am I saved
now?" An overpowering YES!! resonated through
every fiber of my spiritual being. My
arms raised up as though they had a will of their own
and a Hallelujah! came out of my mouth
in earnest for the first time.
If after reading my testimony you wish to be
baptized into Christ, my council to you is simply this: please take the time to
make sure that you have all of your relevant 'Cs'. Because a sinner can have a
lot of intellectual understanding of baptism, but without conviction,
contrition, counting the cost, commitment and above all else faith it is of no
value. (Hebrews 11:6)
For whatever my personal testimony may be worth to
you I can testify to this: it is obvious
to me that there is an eternal difference between 'going through the motions'
and the obedience that comes from faith (Romans 1:5 & 16:26). It is also clear to me that the only way to
be absolutely certain of one's salvation is to fully accept Christ as
Lord. Who sets the terms of surrender?
**"This is the one that came by water and
blood- Jesus Christ. He did not come by
water only, but by water and blood. And
it is the Spirit that testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. For there are three that testify: the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the
three are in [one.]
We accept man's testimony, God's testimony is
greater because it is the testimony of God, Which He has given us about His
Son"** 1 John 5:6-9, (see also John 5:34)
Once I was a Baptist (and deeply respect those that
are committed), and now I am an Anabaptist.
This is the Anabaptist's Plea: Total Surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ
on His terms including baptism by immersion for spiritual rebirth by grace
through faith and Love.
PS – I have gone through many years of trouble –
especially with employment – and God has seen me through it all and I am now
trusting that God will see me through the coming years as I dread that the
rider with the scales is approaching as we see in Revelation ??”:??. While I pray desperately every day that I am
in error about this – I take comfort in the wise words “and it came to pass…” –
isn’t it wonderful that it didn’t come to stay?
These tribulations will pass – and the coming Kingdom will come to stay –
and I rejoice that – by the grace of God I will endure so that I will reign
with Him for a thousand years.
A
short poem about experiencing saving faith